


Alea Iacta Est

by transubstantiate



Series: Bucky!Cap [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-09 23:51:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2002797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transubstantiate/pseuds/transubstantiate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It gets harder and harder to get up in the mornings, to strap on his boots, to say “I can’t give anything less.”</p>
<p>He maps out the men he’s killed in his sketchbook, and how could he not?</p>
<p>Their faces are branded into his memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alea Iacta Est

Steve falls, Steve’s fingers slip, the last thing Steve sees before he’s hurtling down, down forever, is Bucky’s horror-stricken face. 

——

The doctor who stamps his orders is tired. He’s so tired. He looks at the skinny little kid in front of him, looks at the list of medical disqualifications, and asks, “Do you really want to die that badly, son?”

and the kid answers, “I can’t give anything less than everyone else,”

but the doctor doesn’t hear, because the doctor is tired. He’s so tired. He looks at the skinny little kid in front of him, looks at the list of medical disqualifications, and stamps approval on the orders.

At least one of them will get their wish.

——

Basic is hard. Steve knew basic was going to be hard, but he can’t keep up with the other soldiers. He’s flagging, dragging, his steps slowing and soon his whole platoon is out of sight up the road, and he says to himself, “I can’t give anything less,” and he picks up his feet again and again, as fast as his labored breath and exhausted muscles will allow.

A jeep hurtles around a bend in the road, narrowly missing him, and in the back is the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. She turns to watch him as they pass, her eyes burning into his core.

And then she’s gone.

"I can’t give anything less," Steve says again, and he runs. He runs like her eyes are still on him.

——

Every day in Italy he’s falling, falling through the sky, and he can’t sleep because when he wakes up he’ll just get new orders.

He’s shivering with fevers, and the mud is in his lungs, and he coughs his way through PT, and Gabe Jones just looks at him sadly and offers his coat.

"Keep it," Steve tells him.

"Come on man, you’re gonna fucking die," Gabe says, but Steve just smiles and claps him on the shoulder and wraps his own ratty jacket tighter around himself.

"I can’t give anything less," Steve whispers, and Gabe scoffs disbelievingly behind him.

——

Bucky sends him a letter.  _I’m fine,_  he says.  _Alive._

Steve touches the arrogant slant of the lettering and feels lonely, homesick, heartsick.

——

Jim Morita offers him a smoke every time they stand watch together, and every time, Steve refuses. 

The fifth time, Jim pulls out a cigarette and rolls it in his fingers, considering, and asks why not.

"I have asthma," Steve says.

"Asthma? What the hell are you doing out here?" Jim demands. "If I had an out like that…" he trails off, suddenly sober. 

"I can’t give anything less than everyone else," Steve tells him, quietly.

"Is that so," Jim says slowly, giving him a sideways look. 

They don’t say anything more, but Jim tucks the unlit cigarette back into the pack.

——

_Captain America,_  the men say.  _More like Captain Bitch_.

——

The first time Steve watches someone die, watches a man bleed out in front of him, knows that it was bullets from his gun and no other that changed this person from  _alive_  to  _not_ , he throws up. Violently.

He drops to his hands and knees before the corpse and vomits all over the ground, all over the dead man, all over his hands. 

"Let’s move, boyo!" someone shouts above him, and there’s a hand at the collar of his uniform and he’s being dragged up and away and then-

he’s running, running for life, for death, just to be away.

Running until he has no more breath in his pale skinny body and he stops, but the man beside him just lifts him, tosses him over his shoulder and keeps moving. 

He moves, he runs, with Steve bouncing against his back, all the way to the encampment, where he promptly dumps Steve onto the ground and calls out, “Medic!”

And it’s only then that the man collapses next to Steve, and Steve sees the side of his jacket is stained with blood, and the man looks over at Steve and grimaces, but says, “You may have very well saved my life, mate,” and passes out.

And Steve remembers. He remembers a split-second decision and a gun and two uniforms, and he throws up again.

——

He thinks that he sees the beautiful woman from Basic going into the colonel’s HQ, but he can’t be sure, and he can’t follow.

——

It gets harder and harder to get up in the mornings, to strap on his boots, to say “I can’t give anything less.”

He maps out the men he’s killed in his sketchbook, and how could he not?

Their faces are branded into his memory.

——

Dugan gets him drunk, and Jim stands next to him with his hand on Steve’s back when the alcohol reacts badly with his system.

"Thanks," Steve says when he’s done puking, and he’s sure that Jim can hear the bitterness in his voice, but he can’t be bothered to care.

——

_Captain Bitch,_   _Captain Bitch, come to sell his bonds like a fuckin' hick_ , the men chant.

——

The action goes bad.

Dugan crouches next to Steve and Gabe and says, fear pulsing in his voice, "We're cut off. Surrounded."

\----

When the soldiers come to the cages and choose Steve, Jim knocks one flat on his ass and takes a rifle to the head for it.

"Stop," Steve says, but his voice is too quiet, so he does the only other thing he can do, and goes willingly with the enemy.

"I can't give anything less," he whispers to himself, trying desperately to ignore the terror fluttering in his chest.

\----

"What is your name?"

"Corporal Steven Grant Rogers, U.S. Army, 12505101."

\----

His bones are shifting,  _spreading_ , and the fire, there's fire coursing underneath his skin and he _  
_

_screams_

"I CAN GIVE NOTHING LESS!" 

\----

"Corporal Steven Grant Rogers, U.S. Army, 12505101, Corporal Steven Grant Rogers, U.S. Army, 12505101, Corporal Steven-"

"Steve?"

"-Grant Rogers, U.S. Army, 12505101, Corp-"

"Steve! Jesus, what happened to you?"

"Bucky?"

_Bucky?_

\----

"I thought you were smaller," Bucky says, and hauls him up off the table.

\----

"No."

"Steve, there's no time. You have to go first. I'll be fine."

But the bar breaks and Steve has to jump.

He miscalculates, doesn't realize that he's six inches taller than he was before he was put on the table, slams bodily into the railing and  _slips_

but his fingers grab the last rung and he pulls himself up.

"Bucky!" he calls, but Bucky ignores him, assessing the leap.

\----

And Bucky jumps, through fire and death.

\----

Gabe and Jim give him careful looks when he and Bucky show up outside the compound.

"I thought you were shorter," Gabe says.

"Me too," Steve replies.

\----

"So, Captain America."

"Yeah, well. It's a gig, you know?"

"It suits you."

\----

"Captain Barnes," the cool voice stiffens Bucky's spine, and he turns. 

"Peg," he drawls, and Steve bites back the beginnings of a smile before turning as well, and stops, because the woman Bucky's just addressed so familiarly is the woman he saw at Basic.

"Colonel Phillips would like to see you tomorrow morning, 0700," she says briskly.

"How about that dance, doll?" Bucky asks, flashing her that brilliant, winning smile.

"Are you Corporal Rogers?" She ignores Bucky completely.

"Yes ma'am," Steve says.

"I'm Agent Carter. Would you mind answering a few questions about your time at the HYDRA base?"

"Sure thing," he says, and smiles at her, and she smiles at him, and Bucky sighs explosively and walks away.

\----

They set off on a campaign for the sake of a map that Bucky thinks he remembers.

\----

Gabe is pretty sure that Steve is nuts when Steve goes with them. 

"Nobody knows what they did to you, man," he says. "You might be hardwired to kill us all or something."

"I can't give-"

"Anything less than everyone else, yeah, I know."

\----

Steve discovers that killing people from a distance is just as difficult as killing them up close, that he doesn't have the steel insides to be a sniper.

\----

"Do you dance?"

"Not well."

"Would you like to dance with me?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

\----

It's a train, hurtling through the wild, cold mountains, it's a train and a zipline and the blue light of destruction and a tenuous grasp on the side of a blasted car and Bucky's terrified eyes

and then snow and wind and falling

and  _impact._

\----

"I can't get drunk. Did you know that?"

"Dr. Erskine mentioned that might be a side-effect of the serum, yes."

The whiskey bottle shatters against the far wall.

"I can't  _fucking_ get  _drunk_."

"You should-"

"Don't you start, Peg. Don't you dare."

"Steve was-"

"Steve was my best friend and I am  _nothing_ without him. Do you hear me?  _Nothing_."

"I know."

"And I can't  _fucking get drunk!_ "

\----

"Peg?"

"I'm here, James."

"Peg, I gotta put her in the water."

"Are you sure? There must be some other way."

"I need to put her in the water."

"James."

"It's the best for everyone. You know that."

" _Fuck_ you, James.  _Fuck_ you. How dare you throw away your life like this? Steve would not-"

"I'll tell him you send your love, Peg."

\----

" _Peg?"_

"I'm here, James."

"He was always the best of us, Peg. This is what he would've done."

"...I...I know."

\----

"James? James?"


End file.
